Today I found myself once again on the bum end of being too polite. This is my burden to bear.

Actually, this 'burden' feels more like a noose. It is my noose to bear. To the gallows. Where I hand it politely to the executioner and say "As tightly as you please good sir." Sometimes, a part of me steps back from an interaction with my fellow man and thinks "Jessica, do you not realise your neck's about to get cinched by that there circle of rope?"

Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: Yes, but I can't be rude!

I do it all the time, I once smelt a perfume on a colleague that made my nostrils lodge a workplace bullying claim against me. To hide my shock at the smell I said "That's a nice perfume." She had a spare bottle. Which she gave me. Which I now politely wear when I know I'll be seeing her. My nostrils would flare in rage if they weren't terrified of inhaling more abuse.

On Saturday I launched into a conversation with a man about my gumboots, telling him where I got them from and the whole story behind their acquisition. Well he asked didn't he? I was just being polite! Afterwards he said "I'm not really interested, I was just having a flirt."

Awwwwkies.

For weeks now, one particular member of the collaborative commonly referred to as 'My Fellow Man' has been gushing about a manual they inherited from someone many (many) moons ago, that listed common ailments and their natural therapy cures. Here's the low down of where I went wrong on this one.

Error 1 - Feigning Interest.
"Oh wow that sounds great." I mean surely anyone would know that the unsaid tail end of that sentence is "for you"? Apparently not, because Error 1 promptly lead to:

Error 2 - False Engagement.
The "feigned" nature of my interest went ungrasped, leaving My Fellow Man with the assumption that said interest was actually genuine. At this point My Fellow Man then offered to bring in the manual for me to read. What I should have said was "Oh there's no need, I actually use top of the range, completely up-to-date software to supply me with all the scientific and well researched information I need on natural remedies." Instead, I falsely engaged My Fellow Man with "Oh, that would be great." Rookie. Mistake.

Error 3 - Accepting handover.
My Fellow Man returned weeks later with the manual that I barely remembered feigning interest in, a yellowed, crumbling collection of papers, containing information as dated as the typewriter it was originally produced on. Yes, typewriter. Not. Even. Kidding.



I gave the papers a cursory look and attempted hand-back, with a "Oh wow that is quite old isn't it, I don't want to ruin it.". It was a no-go.

Error 4 - Unpaid Labour.
"Yes, it's a bit old." he replied "Do you have a photocopier?"
"Yeah, I'll just scan it in and keep a copy so you can take this one." Intending all the while to fake the scanning part whilst making good on the 'him taking this one' part.
"Oh no!"My Fellow Man protested "No, make a hard copy so you can reference it."
"Mmmm...good idea." I lied.
"Now." My Fellow Man said with a very business like air that grew in me a dull certainty he'd planned the whole affair "Can you make me one while you're at it? And the pages are all out of whack so it might be best put them in order and bind it?"

Here's a list of suitable answers to that:
No.
No, cause I'm not your PA.
No, cause I'm not your secretary, which is what they called a PA back when this thing was typed on a typewriter.
No!

Being the nice girl that I am I opted instead to slip my neck through that proverbial noose and allow myself a good cinching. After all, it's the polite thing to do.



Error 5 - Self-Inflicted Unpaid Labour
So there I was scanning and compiling like so:

When I noticed several errors and out of date information, which logically I left uncorrected in an attempt at passive-aggressive revenge on My Fellow Man.

Except for this one, Anaemia is a common ailment after all, what if he suffered from it and didn't know that Spirulina would set him right?



Oh and this one, because he was greying at the temples and Bet Wetting could become a genuine issue in the near future.



Hmm...actually guys I'm going to have sign off here because I need to make loads more alterations and My Fellow Man wanted the finished assignment by this afternoon.

J xxxo